Connect to life, connect to yourself

It was 6pm and the office was almost empty. Trisha was helplessly staring at herself in the mirror in the restroom. Despite of trying very hard she couldn’t hold back her tears and finally she let emotions take over her completely. Her tears now turning into loud sobs. Aware of her surroundings she was trying to control herself but all attempts were going in vain. Just then Trisha heard someone walking into the restroom, almost in a reflex action she started to wash her face. It was the housekeeping lady. Trying to avoid an eye contact, Trisha quickly made an exit.  Even though it was few minutes of crying her head was already feeling heavy and eyes tired. As she walked towards her desk, various things were doing rounds in her head. She knew there is a task that needs her focus right now, but she was feeling so helpless and weak. She just felt like running away from everything and hide away in an unknown place, where no one knows her.

In few minutes she reached her workstation and opened her laptop but unknowingly her mind went to the call she got yesterday from her boss; Sameer.

“Trisha we have the presentation with R&F day after , keep the slides ready and we can review them tomorrow. It’s a follow on from our last meeting with them, so just focus on the key asks and we should be good”

“Sure Sameer, will work on it tomorrow and will be ready with the draft by evening for your review” Trisha responded

R&F was an old but an extremely demanding client. Trisha has been working for them for the last 2 years and knows the team pretty well now. The presentation was for a new project that’s going to get started with R&F. She had to leave office as she had to pick up Samar from day care and then reach home in time. Vinay’s office colleagues were coming over for dinner tonight, so Trisha had to get the house in order for the get together.  

She hurriedly left office and on her way to the day care picked up grocery.  Once she reached home quickly got to the task- setting the table, ordering food and cooking some khichdi for Samar. The entire evening went by very quickly and it was 11.30 pm by the time guests left. Trisha cleaned up the house before finally retiring to bed at 12.30 am. The last thought before she dozed off was around the presentation for R&F- “Tomorrow’s entire day needs to be devoted to the presentation. Will get it reviewed with Sameer by 5ish”

Today when she walked into the office with her plan of dedicating the entire day to just the R&F presentation, she got a call from MD’s office and she was asked to represent her company at an external event that was happening in Delhi. Since it was MD’s ask she couldn’t have said no. The external event and the associated travel took a great share of her day today and then there was a review meeting with Sameer and the entire team. Despite of being fully exhausted she was just about to start her work on the presentation; there is a ping on her laptop screen by Sameer- “ Let’s review the presentation for tomorrow, walk over to my cabin ..I need to leave by 6 today.” Shocked, tired, confused, fuming with anger she kept looking at the screen. Sameer was aware of her being away at the external event and she was with him in the review meeting, when did Sameer think she had time to be ready with the slides? She didn’t know what to respond and walked away to his cabin.

Hi Sameer , Can I come in ; said Trisha

Come in ; was Sameer’s cold response.

Sameer, I will take some time to put the slides up. Today has been a hectic day, due to the eternal event and the review meetings we had. I will be able to mail you the slides by later tonight or early morning. As this is the follow on meeting with the client should not be….

“ R&F is one of our most valued clients , we can’t be casual with them. I am wondering why we were waiting for the last day. “ Sameer interrupted Trisha

“Sameer I got the confirmation just yesterday…” Trisha tried putting her point

Sameer started to pack his stuff , with a cold face and said “ I don’t have much to say, all I can say is it could have been planned better. Lets hope the presentation goes fine tomorrow. I will wait for your slides. Message me once you mail them to me….”

And he stands to leave.

Trisha was so frustrated at his attitude. Despite of giving her best to the job, and being a top performer this the response she gets. She was filled with anger and frustration. She wanted to shout and say “ GET LOST “ and run away. It was just then her phone rang, it was from Samar’s day care.

 “Mam , Samar has fever since afternoon”

Oh no , How much is the fever? Did you give him Crocin? Trisha Asked nervously

Yes we did , but there isn’t much relief. Suggest you have to come and pick him up early. , Said the day care Teacher.  

This was it, the final jolt of sorts. And Trisha just walked into the restroom.

She didn’t realize but she was still aimlessly staring at her laptop, while all this was running like a reel in her head. Standing up suddenly she took her phone and stole and started to walk towards the elevator. There was no plan , she just wanted to get some fresh air and a hot cup of coffee.

While waiting for the elevator, she made a quick call to Vinay .

“ Vinni,  need some help. Got a call from Sam’s day care; the boy has fever and we need to pick him up from the daycare now. I am stuck at office and wont be able to leave, can you go and pick him up ? “

“ Ohh no . Ok I’ll leave now . “ Was Vinay;s instant response.

She entered the elevator, her mind was not at peace at all and she asked herself what am I doing? Am I good mother? Am I a good professional? Why do I always fail ? Cant I plan better?

Trisha was blank , she was feeling so weak. All she wanted to do was to cry for hours. She walked upto her favorite joint and picked up a cappuccino. She made herself comfortable on a bench in the park just below her office. The cool Nov breeze and hot coffee were perfect partner for her at this time.

While she sipped her coffee she started to ponder on her life, what all she went thru and how have things changed.

Trisha has been a go getter and a strong girl. She lost her father when she was in college. And being the eldest child she had to start working very early to support the family. She has had a tough life, with a night job and college studies during the day. Post her graduation in Economics from DU , she managed to get a job with an MNC. She has given her 120% to her job and her 4 promotions in past 10 years are testimony of that hard work. She has had some wonderful colleagues and managers to work with. They all have a role to play in her corporate success. Vinay is a nice guy and has always supported her in all her decisions. She can’t forget how he stood up with her when she wanted to resume work post Samar’s birth. Her in-laws were against her resuming work and sending Samar to a Day care. But it was Vinay’s support that she was able to resume work.

She has bagged the best employee award thrice in last 7 years.

It was her 32^nd birthday just 4 months back and what a lovely surprise party her family and friends had organized for her. They had made a poster for Trisha, with messages from family and friends. All of them had written such sweet and lovely messages for her, best was from her husband and her mother. “ Happy birthday to our Jhansi ki Rani , our eldest Son- from Maa and Papa

“ To my magician , who adds color to my life “ Vinay

She didn’t realize but her eyes were moist with these thought. She is blessed to have these people in her life.They have stood with her and loved her for what she is. 

Today is just one bad day, she is a fighter and can’t be giving up to just one bad day. Life had given her worst situations to handle, this is just a day and this shall pass very soon. She is her papa’s “Jhansi ki Rani “ and Vinay’s “ Magician “ . How can she even think of running away?

It was like fresh energy running in her mind and body with these thoughts.

“ I am OK and I will do it “ Trisha said these word ‘s and got up to walk towards her workstation.   

The girl who was walking back to the office is not the same girl who came down an hour back. She was under control and clear in her head. More than that she was feeling positive and blessed.

She started her work on the slides. With the positive mind frame, it took her less time than what she had expected. She was able to wrap up the work by 10 pm and mailed the presentation to Sameer. While packing her stuff, she messaged Sameer - “Presentation Mailed, have a look. Thanks”

While driving back home, she was at peace and beaming with positivity. The day will be special in her memory.

Life is a great teacher and we as humans have immense power to overcome our fears. All we need to do is to connect with ourselves to get us that power . When we look back, we know what have we gone thru to reach where we are today- those experiences ; good and bad are our true learnings. There are so many people who have partnered with us in this journey and those are are our real treasures. At times it gets so important to spend some time connecting to our life, to ourselves. There are days when things don’t go right, we feel lost and weak. Those are the days when we need to drive our strength from our past, our loved ones and ourselves. Life is not a struggle, it’s a journey; a continuous journey of exploring our own new potential.

Expectations !!

It was a lovely Saturday morning and we were out to visit family just before Diwali. We were having a nice family time in the car, less traffic, nice music on FM and good weather.  And then, there comes the song from “ yeh Jawaani hai Deewani” …… “ Banno ri Banno …” This is one of my favorite songs. While I was humming it along , suddenly got senti after the first two lines, thinking of the day my daughter will get married and leave me. I have seen my mother go thru exactly same emotions, seeing Hum Apke Hain Koun almost two decades back. I even recall laughing at her and saying” mummy aap bhi na..meri shaadi kal hai kya” And here am I doing the same thing when my daughter is not even 5 .

I was almost about to drop a tear when my husband tells me – “ you are MAD. Times are changing so fast, who knows what will happen when these kids grow up? We are not even sure will they marry or not? “

This statement of his got me thinking. He was right, times are changing. So should I really  worry of the fact my daughter leaving me and going off to her husband’s home. ? While the times are changing, but are the rituals changing to keep pace with it? The point my husband raised was – will marriage happen or not? But if it does my daughter has to leave her parents’ house.  

Why ? We are talking of an equal world here. We witness numerous debates around women equality,   “ can women have it all” and work life balance etc? Why cant we have a REAL equal environment for both men and women here?

To my mind marriage is the starting point of all the mis- match. Really!! Have you ever heard any girl mentioning about work life balance , having it all etc till she is with her parents. What changes all of a sudden with just marriage that all the ladies start feeling it and talking about it?  

All starts with mis-match of expectations and certain rituals- those were set in early eras keeping in mind the scenario then. But now as things are changing, changed- we need change there too.

We give best treatment to our daughters, love them deeply, tell them that they are no less than boys and they can compete with them on all fronts. And then what happens? When our child wants to settle, we happily marry her off and push her into a world that still carries expectations of old ages. From here the expectation mis match game starts.

The girl is expected to adjust to the new family, new family culture, new relatives, boy’s parents…boy’s home…take care of the house, the kitchen , relatives and the list goes on.

Marriage - the first encounter of the boy vs girl family. I still see around me that boy’s mother, father, sister are given special treatment at weddings? Boy’s mother should get a bigger gift, those are the discussions that mostly do rounds. Why ? Why I still don't hear conversations where boys family discusses what is to be given to girl’s mother or father.

Many couples do live away from parents these days- but the mental alignment still has to happen as per the new family ways. Like all the festivals, Puja’s etc will arrive only post marriage when the girl starts to get calls from her mother – inlaw to follow those. Like these days had not arrived ever before.

It is ok for the boy to not call girl’s parents, but it becomes issue of world peace if the girl doesn’t regularly call her Mother inlaw or even the Sister in law.

A boys house being dirty and uncleaned is ok before marriage and the mother will happily clean it also . But the moment he gets married a dirty house is directly reflected on girl’s capacity to manage a house.

These days lot of the house management is done by domestic help, but the mental engagement still lies with the girl. Making of the grocery list , telling the maid what needs to be cooked, what is to be done, what gifts to be given to which family member, selecting the maids….pheww

If we really talk of the real EQUALITY why is it that these things are not shared?Our rituals were made such to keep the girls on a differential platform in the olden times. Till today post marriage these un-said expectations are still passed on to the girl.

If “ The having it all “ debate needs to rest …we need to make some changes to our society rules , changes to the mindset. Ages back when these rules and rituals were made a lady was a home maker- her role was to just look after the house. Men were the one who goes out and earn. Now while the women have taken the additional responsibility of earning, but the home making expectation still lies with her.

Our earlier generation I tell you were much more sorted in their heads. They were not the confused souls like we are. Girls have to be dominated, they are the weak specie- so differential treatment starts at home itself, - different food, and different benefits as compared to their brothers. Brother plays with friends goes to school while the girl helps mother at home. The girl is sorted in her head…this is what is her life. So after marriage there is nothing that changes for her. She still is the less privileged and does the household work.

What are we doing? We have eliminated the differential treatment at home. We show them false pictures. Only to go and settle in the old set up.

So how do we tackle it? Lets try and start with this one suggestive change.

What is marriage? Its an institution in which two adult people , decide to spend their life together

So let us treat it accordingly, i.e at face value. Two adults settling together in a new life- get married and move into your own new home. Both boy and girl both leave their parents’ home, culture, rituals and move literally into a new life.  Let both of them build all their homes, set new rules and rituals for them, The couple however continue to do their duties towards their parents as required. Support them financially, physically ( by taking a house closer ) , provide security.

Lets together create a world of equal expectations from the girl and boy.

If girl’s parents are ill, the boy can take a leave and take care of them too. If the girl’s younger sister gets married , the boy can contribute to the marriage and support his in laws too. The gifts become a give and take activity. Boy’s mother get a bigger gift , so does girl’s mother. If there is a medical expense on either side of the parents , both the partners contribute equally.

The other very important phase post marriage – having a baby. This also has to be managed between the two. The couple is no longer with their parents, so the decision has to be how these two will manage the child between them. Grandparents should not conveniently come into picture to just take care of grand children. We can’t compete with the natures law. So what has to be done by a women - it will be . But anything and everything outside is up for help and support.Burping the child, making him/her sleep, what meals have to be cooked, how it has to be cooked, nutrition value, doctor’s visit, track of vaccination, homework , taking care of an ill child, taking kids to activity classes, getting ready for extra activities at school. All work load has to be divided equally. 

 

It’s a mindset that we need to change.

The men in today’s world are doing much more than earlier generations- AGREE. But they need to pace up their steps as girls have moved ahead very fast. Take initiative as they do at work and always don’t wait for instructions to be given and followed. And the boys alone can’t do anything alone, society’s , parents outlook needs to change too.

May be I am asking too much , may be its just a wishful thinking. Who knows? But worth a thought for sure. Unless some major changes are made, I feel the females will keep getting entangled with the war of “ having it all and stress" if the expectations from them are not sorted .

-           

The Wanderer !!!

After a tiring day at work , navigating thru 40 mins of bad traffic, starving - I enter home at 9.30pm
The first thing that strikes me - my fav Pao bhaji for dinner - WOW. Second thing I notice - the little one has slept - double WOW
That means I can have my favorite meal in peace. Saving grace at the end of a hectic day
I quickly change and sit comfortably with my food and as I was just about to take the first bite- my eyes fall on the remote.
Yes the TV remote - the long lost friend. My greedy mind giving me ideas- why not watch TV and have food. Awesome opportunity - usually there is only cartoon channel on it .
I quickly get up and pick the remote and put on the TV. I keep looking for the best channel to go with my food- but could not find any . Meanwhile I realise my Pao is getting cold.
So I take my first bite - the left hand still changing channels and eyes fixed on TV, wanting to see something not sure of.  During one break , there was also a beep that grabbed my attention and I got onto a quick chat on wats app with my buddies ( I hardly get time during the office hours to do that) 20 mins pass and I am done ( yes I am a fast eater) So what did I gain after these 20 mins - enjoying my meal,  watchingTV, Chatting with friends ???? answer is not sure- lost!!

This got me thinking as this emptiness or lost feeling was coming quite often. Why dont I feel happy , satisfied or content ? This is when another realization hit me - not being able to present in " THE" moment. Thats a constant struggle - I try hard to think the last time I was fully occupied by one thing at the time. If I am travelling - constant pictures and messaging to my friends to give latest updates . Listening to music , immediately telling the world what  am I hearing . Going for a long drive with my husband and while talking, my hand continuously changes FM channels to get a " good " song. Sipping my morning tea and trying to read the article I missed reading....the list goes on. The worst is when I decide to call it a day and want to sleep, I carry my phone with me to check the last set of updates . Wont it be better if I check for the updates and highlights within myself ?? Spending those last few moments before falling asleep with just yourself.

Why has the multitasking got so much in my life? It just tires you more. The habbit of maximizing ROI does not help in real life. One needs to learn to be in the moment and enjoy  and live. Am I so pressed for time that the short window I get for myself , I try and do everything in that time frame . ? I dont think so, this is a habbit , that needs to change. Else it will just create vacuum and frustration.

I have decided to give my self the present of  " NOW". Enjoying the beauty of the " Present"

" Sound of Life"

These days lot of people are doing work for various social causes- be it child education, women upliftment, health etc. I want to do some work in an area which to my mind is the biggest concern for our and coming generations. Living a stress free life!!

We all live in a world which is so full of stress, that we hardly take time off it.  It is not about a person or a certain profession or a particular level. All of us go thru it in various forms. The stress can be of deadlines, chasing targets , meeting expectations or sheer performance. Stress is the sole factor that is eating us all up. People are in a continuous race, which they don’t even know when will it end? And what is that they win at the end of it. 

Before we realize and take steps to correct it- its already too late. The life will be gone , the life for which we are working so hard will be gone . 

We all are aware and well informed of the medical troubles stress can cause. Stress is that one thing that unknowingly creeps in your mind and body and eats you up even before you realize.

When we start our careers or new life we perform at very high levels and trust me it doesn’t even hurt at that time. But as time passes, with the demands and pressures our body also ages and it starts hurting then.

I have seen people age in front of me, I have seen people losing their smile , I have seen people losing a link to their own self and family – and trust me it all hurts.

It really concerns me when I see people struggling to LIVE. Their health , family , and biggest of all themselves bearing the toll of this.

Not that I am not a part of this, I had my share of tough lessons and thus I started to make conscious attempts to take an action. I have yet not perfected the art , but as they say acknowledging is the first step , I have taken the first step.

Long back when I was preparing for my CAT entrance exam , I remember I had asked my teacher what needs to be done as part of last day preparations. And to my surprise he said - " nothing" Alternatively he said enjoy your day with friends watch Govinda movies , chit chat , sleep well and don’t touch books at all. I was unable to understand that suggestion fully then , but now I do.

Our mind is an amazing thing- it can do wonders. But stress , anxiety are like rusting agents who not only rusts our mind but also our body.

I am not a certified professional in helping people to live stress free life. I don’t carry a degree , but I carry experience and intend around it. I carry my almost a decade long experience of observing people and their concerns closely

This attempt of mine is solely , because I strongly feel living a stress free life is an important routine and a must for all of us.

With this blog of mine , I will just help you with certain suggestion which I am sure will benefit a great deal. I am not trying to turn the world around in a day , neither I am preaching a path of “ Sanyaas” I am also by no means suggesting to stop working. But I think anyone will vouch for the fact , a relaxed mind will perform much better than a burnt out mind.

I am just suggesting to strike a balance- to understand the worth of things in your life.

We as a generation need to learn – “ to let it go” The attempt to reach the top, the attempt to have it all perfect, the attempt to have it all , the attempt to be the best at everything we do…all these attempts and much more are eating us up. We are loosing the essence of real life.

-          Acknowledge and agree that you need to reduce stress in your life.

-          Once a week –  take an evening off- leave office early. Spend the evening with family/friends/with yourself. Do not carry your smartphones with you during this time. ( Control the urge of looking into it even for surfing the internet)  

-          Do not sleep with your phone- keep it in the other room

-          No matter how strong is the urge, DO NOT look at your phone in the first one hour of your waking up

-          Identify that ONE thing that relaxes you ( read makes you happy)  – tea/coffee, listening to music , talking to friends/ dancing , writing. Make time for it ( atleast thrice a week for about 60 mins)

-          Practice to switch off your mind. Donot carry your office to do list to home.

This is not all , these are just starters.

In my coming blog I will share more pointers . 

Till then - Live Life !!