Expectations !!

It was a lovely Saturday morning and we were out to visit family just before Diwali. We were having a nice family time in the car, less traffic, nice music on FM and good weather.  And then, there comes the song from “ yeh Jawaani hai Deewani” …… “ Banno ri Banno …” This is one of my favorite songs. While I was humming it along , suddenly got senti after the first two lines, thinking of the day my daughter will get married and leave me. I have seen my mother go thru exactly same emotions, seeing Hum Apke Hain Koun almost two decades back. I even recall laughing at her and saying” mummy aap bhi na..meri shaadi kal hai kya” And here am I doing the same thing when my daughter is not even 5 .

I was almost about to drop a tear when my husband tells me – “ you are MAD. Times are changing so fast, who knows what will happen when these kids grow up? We are not even sure will they marry or not? “

This statement of his got me thinking. He was right, times are changing. So should I really  worry of the fact my daughter leaving me and going off to her husband’s home. ? While the times are changing, but are the rituals changing to keep pace with it? The point my husband raised was – will marriage happen or not? But if it does my daughter has to leave her parents’ house.  

Why ? We are talking of an equal world here. We witness numerous debates around women equality,   “ can women have it all” and work life balance etc? Why cant we have a REAL equal environment for both men and women here?

To my mind marriage is the starting point of all the mis- match. Really!! Have you ever heard any girl mentioning about work life balance , having it all etc till she is with her parents. What changes all of a sudden with just marriage that all the ladies start feeling it and talking about it?  

All starts with mis-match of expectations and certain rituals- those were set in early eras keeping in mind the scenario then. But now as things are changing, changed- we need change there too.

We give best treatment to our daughters, love them deeply, tell them that they are no less than boys and they can compete with them on all fronts. And then what happens? When our child wants to settle, we happily marry her off and push her into a world that still carries expectations of old ages. From here the expectation mis match game starts.

The girl is expected to adjust to the new family, new family culture, new relatives, boy’s parents…boy’s home…take care of the house, the kitchen , relatives and the list goes on.

Marriage - the first encounter of the boy vs girl family. I still see around me that boy’s mother, father, sister are given special treatment at weddings? Boy’s mother should get a bigger gift, those are the discussions that mostly do rounds. Why ? Why I still don't hear conversations where boys family discusses what is to be given to girl’s mother or father.

Many couples do live away from parents these days- but the mental alignment still has to happen as per the new family ways. Like all the festivals, Puja’s etc will arrive only post marriage when the girl starts to get calls from her mother – inlaw to follow those. Like these days had not arrived ever before.

It is ok for the boy to not call girl’s parents, but it becomes issue of world peace if the girl doesn’t regularly call her Mother inlaw or even the Sister in law.

A boys house being dirty and uncleaned is ok before marriage and the mother will happily clean it also . But the moment he gets married a dirty house is directly reflected on girl’s capacity to manage a house.

These days lot of the house management is done by domestic help, but the mental engagement still lies with the girl. Making of the grocery list , telling the maid what needs to be cooked, what is to be done, what gifts to be given to which family member, selecting the maids….pheww

If we really talk of the real EQUALITY why is it that these things are not shared?Our rituals were made such to keep the girls on a differential platform in the olden times. Till today post marriage these un-said expectations are still passed on to the girl.

If “ The having it all “ debate needs to rest …we need to make some changes to our society rules , changes to the mindset. Ages back when these rules and rituals were made a lady was a home maker- her role was to just look after the house. Men were the one who goes out and earn. Now while the women have taken the additional responsibility of earning, but the home making expectation still lies with her.

Our earlier generation I tell you were much more sorted in their heads. They were not the confused souls like we are. Girls have to be dominated, they are the weak specie- so differential treatment starts at home itself, - different food, and different benefits as compared to their brothers. Brother plays with friends goes to school while the girl helps mother at home. The girl is sorted in her head…this is what is her life. So after marriage there is nothing that changes for her. She still is the less privileged and does the household work.

What are we doing? We have eliminated the differential treatment at home. We show them false pictures. Only to go and settle in the old set up.

So how do we tackle it? Lets try and start with this one suggestive change.

What is marriage? Its an institution in which two adult people , decide to spend their life together

So let us treat it accordingly, i.e at face value. Two adults settling together in a new life- get married and move into your own new home. Both boy and girl both leave their parents’ home, culture, rituals and move literally into a new life.  Let both of them build all their homes, set new rules and rituals for them, The couple however continue to do their duties towards their parents as required. Support them financially, physically ( by taking a house closer ) , provide security.

Lets together create a world of equal expectations from the girl and boy.

If girl’s parents are ill, the boy can take a leave and take care of them too. If the girl’s younger sister gets married , the boy can contribute to the marriage and support his in laws too. The gifts become a give and take activity. Boy’s mother get a bigger gift , so does girl’s mother. If there is a medical expense on either side of the parents , both the partners contribute equally.

The other very important phase post marriage – having a baby. This also has to be managed between the two. The couple is no longer with their parents, so the decision has to be how these two will manage the child between them. Grandparents should not conveniently come into picture to just take care of grand children. We can’t compete with the natures law. So what has to be done by a women - it will be . But anything and everything outside is up for help and support.Burping the child, making him/her sleep, what meals have to be cooked, how it has to be cooked, nutrition value, doctor’s visit, track of vaccination, homework , taking care of an ill child, taking kids to activity classes, getting ready for extra activities at school. All work load has to be divided equally. 

 

It’s a mindset that we need to change.

The men in today’s world are doing much more than earlier generations- AGREE. But they need to pace up their steps as girls have moved ahead very fast. Take initiative as they do at work and always don’t wait for instructions to be given and followed. And the boys alone can’t do anything alone, society’s , parents outlook needs to change too.

May be I am asking too much , may be its just a wishful thinking. Who knows? But worth a thought for sure. Unless some major changes are made, I feel the females will keep getting entangled with the war of “ having it all and stress" if the expectations from them are not sorted .

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