Last month there was a lot of buzz around a Hindi movie. I usually am the kind who watches all Hindi movies within the first weekend of release. This one was among the very few exceptional cases. A few of the groups that I am part of spoke very highly about it, and I eventually watched the movie. I am glad I did, it is a well-made movie and there was more than one message that came out for me. But the one that was most powerful was “We teach our kids what to do when they win, but what we don’t tell them is what to do when they fail?"
I know what it means and feels, totally do. I got so emotional listening to that one line; it took me back to the time I completed my graduation. I was madly in love with “Economics” and was a Delhi School of Economics aspirant since grade 11. I was a good student throughout my school and college, broke all family records when it came to marks and thus was apple of everyone’s eye. Good marks, grades, college - always got whatever I dreamt off. My family and I were so sure of cracking the DSE entrance that I didn’t even consider any other entrance exam for post-graduation.
And then it happened in 2003- a big shock- I did not clear the DSE entrance exam. My first failure and I really didn’t know what to do. It felt like life has ended for me, at that moment.
Confidence in me getting selected was so high that the result date was announced to the entire family and friends circle in advance. When the phone calls started to come to congratulate me, they almost started to sound like condolence calls. I remember telling one of my aunt’s “I can’t see anything ahead, I have finished. “
These were not dialogues from any Bollywood movie, but straight from my heart- exactly the way I felt. No one said anything to me, but I was so self-critical. For so many years I have seen my family celebrating my good scores, me being praised for always getting what I wanted, me already being addressed as an economist - it was not un-natural for me to draw a parallel of my success and their happiness. I felt I am ruining their happiness and felt an acute identity crisis.
Wish someone would have told me it’s ok to fail, marks are just a small part of who I am and it’s not the end of the world. The one drop year was emotionally very tough, I thankfully did not take any extreme steps, but some do. What is important here to understand is that some pressure is conscious and some unconscious. We all need to work on the way we think, we need to take away the strong association in our head with just “Winning” . If we manage our thoughts, the actions shall follow.
Many parents I meet today, tell me that they are not bothered about marks at all, and these are the very same set of parents who don’t miss checking the marks of the class topper. Why? Why is it important to know what others are scoring, why can’t your child’s score be enough?
A child doing well is a good thing, but it cannot be the only thing to be talked and felt happy about. Let's stop just praising or making him/her the example for their successes. Let the child know there is more to him/her and life than just scoring good marks or being great at what they do.
We grow up with this winning equation imbibed in us very strongly. The parameters of winning change and diversify into many more areas of life. We are so strongly wired for this that we don’t even realize what pressure we are putting on ourselves while competing.
Let’s release the pressure from our children and ourselves.
“Life doesn’t happen when you win, Life happens when you embrace life and live fully “
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