What Matters !!

Just last week,  I and Nandini were walking towards Costa to get our morning coffee.

As we just got to the counter - Nandini got a call from her mom, and with a deep sigh, she excused herself to respond to it.

When she came back, she was visibly irritated. Handing over her the coffee I checked “Is everything ok ?“

“How difficult it is for mom’s to understand that we are busy, unlike them, we have 100 things to attend to. I haven’t spoken to her for over a week now, and she was full emotional today. "

Nandini continued “ It’s not that I don’t value her, it was just that I was too busy with a project deadline and a small outing with office team”  Today also I had to cut her call short as there is call starting in next 30 mins and I have preparation to do for the same.

I kept looking at her in silence just nodding my head reflecting “ya I know” sentiment.

We reached back to our workstations and the conversation ended with Nandini’s universal statement “Well that is life, can’t keep everyone happy”

She moved back to her work and I kept pondering within. The reason the statement stayed with me was that in the last 24 hours itself I have been in a similar situation twice. Once as a receiver and one as a complainer.

To quote the first one - I was expecting a call from a friend for the past one month, and she kept messaging me to say "will call you, caught up with work, etc." Last night I had an emotional breakdown with her, where I called her and said – “you don’t even have 5 mins to call me in the whole month, It seems I have no value for you”

And her response was no different from what Nandini said to her mom today “was caught up, was traveling, and then the house was in a mess …etc “

To share the other incidence, I got a call from my cousin who had asked for some reference material for her project, I was supposed to help her with the same. But didn’t sent her the material, while she was not shouting, but was quiet sarcastic when she said “ must have been very busy, didn’t get time to look into my email as well”

None of the above incidences should sound alien to any one of us reading this. We all have said “ was very busy, Didn’t get time, too caught up “ numerous times. Also heard it an equal number of times.

The coffee finished but I continued to stare into the sky with multiple thoughts running in my head.

What is it then, are we really so busy? The reasons for not getting back are so genuine – not that we are creating those? Then why does this thing get into relationships, work, and even personal life at times?  

No doubt the current times are very demanding, both professionally and personally. Everyone is aware of the complexities, then why does one get upset? Is this is a challenge of prioritizing or expectation setting or time management?

While I was in the middle of these “ whirlpool” of thoughts “, I saw Nandini walking towards the exit gate with her bag.

Worried I asked “ is everything ok?

She responded “ All ok, just going to meet mom, will work from her home for the rest of the day. Just informed the team that I won’t be on the call. Will see you tomorrow. “

I smiled and gave her a quick hug as she stepped out.

'How nice, aunty would be so happy to see her and spend time with her', I said to myself. Nandini could finally move things, at that moment she just wanted her mom to feel happy and not be upset. That was the most important thing and thus even the office call was effortlessly declined.

That is it – Priorities, priorities that point in time. It's ultimately about priorities.   

I didn’t respond to my cousin as that was not a priority for me. For Nandini calling her mom was not a priority during the past 10 days. She was occupied with multiple stuff happening, which included a team outing and a parlor visit as well.

There is nothing wrong in it, and it is not even about right or wrong – every person has a choice to make and makes one basis his/her priorities at that moment. So how can we stop these gaps coming up- for ourselves and for others? How can we help and support each other to own up and show?

Just then a radical thought came to my mind- let's be brave, honest and own up! Let's call a spade a spade!

Let's stop finding ways to hide behind the excuses and bravely call it out “ You were /are not a priority for me right now”

“ Exercising /focusing on health is not a priority for me “

“ Finishing that presentation right now is not my priority “

“ Calling back is not a priority “

Say this to yourself in these many words, say these to others – and see the impact.

Might sound harsh, but it is the truth. When you say this to yourself, it will give you a new insight into your own emotions and actions. Trust me it can be quite revealing and insightful.

The person at the receiving end might feel unsettled for a bit, it would mean rude - but it's honest. The person will understand and appreciate the clarity. Because when there will be times when you show up for them they will know they are your priority in the moment. If someone continues to not be the priority – either it is a reality check for you or the person. Continuing to be off the priority list may also be the trigger, to think deeper – is the person really important, am I doing justice to my role?  

And this harshness will be both sides – you will say this and you will receive this. And one must be ready and prepared for both ways.

I finally concluded my self- dialogue with this thought atleast feeling partially settled. Partially because this had to be shared and tested before it could be shared further.

I started to try this in my closed circle and was soft testing it, but today almost a week later I saw the true power.

We have construction work going on at our home for the past 15 days and house is completely unsettled with no ac and TV. This is extreme for my 8-year-old and she has been quite supportive all this while. Today being a holiday she has been after my husband since morning to play with her and listen to her song and at all times she got a response “ Baby there is so much work and I cant do this right now”

I held his hand and asked him to tell her that “playing with her is not a priority and there is other important stuff at the moment”

The moment I said this – not sure what shifted in him but he sat patiently and told her “ I am listening to you, please go on. You are the priority “

Had he not said that in so many words in his mind, the response would have not changed. I am pretty convinced this is the only brave way to face reality- a true check for what matters.

Worth a try – what say?