There and Beyond- Life goes on...

Last month there was a lot of buzz around a Hindi movie. I usually am the kind who watches all Hindi movies within the first weekend of release. This one was among the very few exceptional cases. A few of the groups that I am part of spoke very highly about it, and I eventually watched the movie. I am glad I did, it is a well-made movie and there was more than one message that came out for me. But the one that was most powerful was “We teach our kids what to do when they win, but what we don’t tell them is what to do when they fail?"

I know what it means and feels, totally do. I got so emotional listening to that one line; it took me back to the time I completed my graduation. I was madly in love with “Economics” and was a Delhi School of Economics aspirant since grade 11. I was a good student throughout my school and college, broke all family records when it came to marks and thus was apple of everyone’s eye. Good marks, grades, college - always got whatever I dreamt off. My family and I were so sure of cracking the DSE entrance that I didn’t even consider any other entrance exam for post-graduation. 

And then it happened in 2003- a big shock- I did not clear the DSE entrance exam. My first failure and I really didn’t know what to do. It felt like life has ended for me, at that moment.

Confidence in me getting selected was so high that the result date was announced to the entire family and friends circle in advance. When the phone calls started to come to congratulate me, they almost started to sound like condolence calls. I remember telling one of my aunt’s “I can’t see anything ahead, I have finished. “

These were not dialogues from any Bollywood movie, but straight from my heart- exactly the way I felt. No one said anything to me, but I was so self-critical. For so many years I have seen my family celebrating my good scores, me being praised for always getting what I wanted, me already being addressed as an economist - it was not un-natural for me to draw a parallel of my success and their happiness. I felt I am ruining their happiness and felt an acute identity crisis.

Wish someone would have told me it’s ok to fail, marks are just a small part of who I am and it’s not the end of the world. The one drop year was emotionally very tough, I thankfully did not take any extreme steps, but some do. What is important here to understand is that some pressure is conscious and some unconscious. We all need to work on the way we think, we need to take away the strong association in our head with just “Winning” . If we manage our thoughts, the actions shall follow.

Many parents I meet today, tell me that they are not bothered about marks at all, and these are the very same set of parents who don’t miss checking the marks of the class topper. Why? Why is it important to know what others are scoring, why can’t your child’s score be enough?

A child doing well is a good thing, but it cannot be the only thing to be talked and felt happy about. Let's stop just praising or making him/her the example for their successes. Let the child know there is more to him/her and life than just scoring good marks or being great at what they do.

We grow up with this winning equation imbibed in us very strongly. The parameters of winning change and diversify into many more areas of life. We are so strongly wired for this that we don’t even realize what pressure we are putting on ourselves while competing.

Let’s release the pressure from our children and ourselves.

“Life doesn’t happen when you win, Life happens when you embrace life and live fully “

What Matters !!

Just last week,  I and Nandini were walking towards Costa to get our morning coffee.

As we just got to the counter - Nandini got a call from her mom, and with a deep sigh, she excused herself to respond to it.

When she came back, she was visibly irritated. Handing over her the coffee I checked “Is everything ok ?“

“How difficult it is for mom’s to understand that we are busy, unlike them, we have 100 things to attend to. I haven’t spoken to her for over a week now, and she was full emotional today. "

Nandini continued “ It’s not that I don’t value her, it was just that I was too busy with a project deadline and a small outing with office team”  Today also I had to cut her call short as there is call starting in next 30 mins and I have preparation to do for the same.

I kept looking at her in silence just nodding my head reflecting “ya I know” sentiment.

We reached back to our workstations and the conversation ended with Nandini’s universal statement “Well that is life, can’t keep everyone happy”

She moved back to her work and I kept pondering within. The reason the statement stayed with me was that in the last 24 hours itself I have been in a similar situation twice. Once as a receiver and one as a complainer.

To quote the first one - I was expecting a call from a friend for the past one month, and she kept messaging me to say "will call you, caught up with work, etc." Last night I had an emotional breakdown with her, where I called her and said – “you don’t even have 5 mins to call me in the whole month, It seems I have no value for you”

And her response was no different from what Nandini said to her mom today “was caught up, was traveling, and then the house was in a mess …etc “

To share the other incidence, I got a call from my cousin who had asked for some reference material for her project, I was supposed to help her with the same. But didn’t sent her the material, while she was not shouting, but was quiet sarcastic when she said “ must have been very busy, didn’t get time to look into my email as well”

None of the above incidences should sound alien to any one of us reading this. We all have said “ was very busy, Didn’t get time, too caught up “ numerous times. Also heard it an equal number of times.

The coffee finished but I continued to stare into the sky with multiple thoughts running in my head.

What is it then, are we really so busy? The reasons for not getting back are so genuine – not that we are creating those? Then why does this thing get into relationships, work, and even personal life at times?  

No doubt the current times are very demanding, both professionally and personally. Everyone is aware of the complexities, then why does one get upset? Is this is a challenge of prioritizing or expectation setting or time management?

While I was in the middle of these “ whirlpool” of thoughts “, I saw Nandini walking towards the exit gate with her bag.

Worried I asked “ is everything ok?

She responded “ All ok, just going to meet mom, will work from her home for the rest of the day. Just informed the team that I won’t be on the call. Will see you tomorrow. “

I smiled and gave her a quick hug as she stepped out.

'How nice, aunty would be so happy to see her and spend time with her', I said to myself. Nandini could finally move things, at that moment she just wanted her mom to feel happy and not be upset. That was the most important thing and thus even the office call was effortlessly declined.

That is it – Priorities, priorities that point in time. It's ultimately about priorities.   

I didn’t respond to my cousin as that was not a priority for me. For Nandini calling her mom was not a priority during the past 10 days. She was occupied with multiple stuff happening, which included a team outing and a parlor visit as well.

There is nothing wrong in it, and it is not even about right or wrong – every person has a choice to make and makes one basis his/her priorities at that moment. So how can we stop these gaps coming up- for ourselves and for others? How can we help and support each other to own up and show?

Just then a radical thought came to my mind- let's be brave, honest and own up! Let's call a spade a spade!

Let's stop finding ways to hide behind the excuses and bravely call it out “ You were /are not a priority for me right now”

“ Exercising /focusing on health is not a priority for me “

“ Finishing that presentation right now is not my priority “

“ Calling back is not a priority “

Say this to yourself in these many words, say these to others – and see the impact.

Might sound harsh, but it is the truth. When you say this to yourself, it will give you a new insight into your own emotions and actions. Trust me it can be quite revealing and insightful.

The person at the receiving end might feel unsettled for a bit, it would mean rude - but it's honest. The person will understand and appreciate the clarity. Because when there will be times when you show up for them they will know they are your priority in the moment. If someone continues to not be the priority – either it is a reality check for you or the person. Continuing to be off the priority list may also be the trigger, to think deeper – is the person really important, am I doing justice to my role?  

And this harshness will be both sides – you will say this and you will receive this. And one must be ready and prepared for both ways.

I finally concluded my self- dialogue with this thought atleast feeling partially settled. Partially because this had to be shared and tested before it could be shared further.

I started to try this in my closed circle and was soft testing it, but today almost a week later I saw the true power.

We have construction work going on at our home for the past 15 days and house is completely unsettled with no ac and TV. This is extreme for my 8-year-old and she has been quite supportive all this while. Today being a holiday she has been after my husband since morning to play with her and listen to her song and at all times she got a response “ Baby there is so much work and I cant do this right now”

I held his hand and asked him to tell her that “playing with her is not a priority and there is other important stuff at the moment”

The moment I said this – not sure what shifted in him but he sat patiently and told her “ I am listening to you, please go on. You are the priority “

Had he not said that in so many words in his mind, the response would have not changed. I am pretty convinced this is the only brave way to face reality- a true check for what matters.

Worth a try – what say?  

One day it all makes sense

One day it all makes sense- yes it does!!

The people you meet, the mistakes you make, the decisions you take,

It all makes sense.

Doesn’t matter how many times you cry, were left hurt or lost

What matters is how many times and how you stood up?

Because in the end all of it will make sense

Remember the day when you were all alone and hoping someone to be with

How angry and rejected you felt

Just so that you know, it’s all for a reason and in the end it all makes sense

Times when there was no energy and you didn’t feel like fighting anymore

Days when you almost gave up on yourself and life still flowed

Because someone up there knows – in the end it will all make sense

When life is harsh and shows you no sign of mercy

When living itself looks meaningless and blurry

Brace yourself, be kind and keep walking

In the end it will all make sense!!